Earlier this week a judge in Williamson County made it official: I’m divorced now. Honestly I have known this day was coming for months now, and the full weight of it hasn’t hit me yet and I hoped that this day would never come. The physical stuff is already divided, but it’s the emotional pain that obviously going to take me a long time to work through. As my counselor always says, “Divorce is like unscrambling scrambled eggs.” Which is the perfect analogy because I hate scrambled eggs and I hate divorce.
The light-hearted, positive side of me that always sees the upside and make life FUN wants to cue Destiny’s Child’s song Independent Women and have a dance party, but that’s just at the surface. In my core I am very hurt.
My heart is bruised, feels like it’s been put through the ringer and it is very, very broken. The anger, sadness and extreme hurt I feel is palpable. The past week my feelings have been bubbling right at the surface. One stray question and it feels like I might cry at any moment… and I have. In my car, in my boss’s office, in the middle of the night.
I used to be like that all the time – high school and college I was a weepy, crying mess. I think that the crying was my way of actually expressing my feelings before I had words or the emotional health to know how to do that. I would just cry.
But now I am emotionally healthy. I know how to express my feelings, and I seem to never be without some feelings to express. Some might say I’m TOO emotional, but I don’t think there is such a thing. I just have a lot of feelings and I’m not afraid to share them.
David in the Bible sure had a lot of feelings and he expressed them beautifully in the Psalms. So many of them speak to me because David is authentic and he’s not afraid to tell you how he really feels. One of the things that I love most about that is that God called David a man after His own heart, so by that argument you could say that God is emotional too. I like that.
There is some relief too that I feel today. Part of me feels guilty that I am relieved, since I so strongly disagree with divorce, but the relief is mostly that the negotiations, back and forth with lawyers and general roller-coaster that has been my life for a long time is now officially over. I get to take control of my life again and focus on myself and what I need.
Everyday I try to start my day by reading a couple different devotionals: Jesus Calling and Joyce Meyer’s devotionals are two of them. You know when you read something and you think how INSANE it is that it perfectly matches your exact circumstances on that day? I know that’s God working and speaking to me and this morning was no different. This is the devotional from Jesus Calling for today August 20:
I am a God who heals. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken lives, and broken relationships. My very Presence has immense healing powers. You cannot live close to Me without experiencing some degree of healing. However, it is also true that you have not because you ask not. You receive the healing that flows naturally from My Presence, whether you seek it or not. But there is more—much more—available to those who ask.
The first step in receiving healing is to live ever so close to Me. The benefits of this practice are too numerous to list. As you grow more and more intimate with Me, I reveal My will to you more directly. When the time is right, I prompt you to ask for healing of some brokenness in you or in another person. The healing may be instantaneous, or it may be a process. That is up to Me. Your part is to trust Me fully and to thank Me for the restoration that has begun.
I rarely heal all the brokenness in a person’s life. Even My servant Paul was told, “My grace is sufficient for you,” when he sought healing for the thorn in his flesh. Nonetheless, much healing is available to those whose lives are intimately interwoven with Mine. Ask, and you will receive.
Ye have not, because ye ask not.
—James 4:2 kjv
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
—2 Corinthians 12:7–9
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find.”
Joyce Meyer shared this verse and message today: “Do not [earnestly] remember the former things; neither consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19 AMP
In today’s scripture, God says He is doing a new thing. As you move into the future He has for you, you will encounter all kinds of new opportunities, and challenges. The days ahead will be full of new experiences, things you have never done before. You may not know how to do them, but you will learn. Everything you are doing today was new to you at one time—and look, now you can do it.
Continuing to face new challenges and develop new abilities is extremely important to your growth and maturity. As you walk with God into your future, you will hear Him say, “You have not done this before, but don’t be afraid. I’m taking you to a place you have never been before. I’m going to ask you to do something you don’t know how to do!” God has already been where He is leading you, and He has prepared the way. Step out in faith and you will experience the faithfulness of God.
We think and say, “It’s time for a change! I need something new,” and then we hesitate to embrace that new thing when it comes. If you are ready for something new and fresh, don’t be afraid to embrace it when it comes.
Don’t stay trapped in the past. Let go of what lies behind and press into the great future God has planned for you. I can promise you: God is with you. He will lead you. He will strengthen you. He will help you.
Love God Today: With God’s help, I will embrace every new thing He brings into my life.
So God heals. And He’s doing a new thing. I’m definitely down with that. I have felt like I’ve been living in the desert for a while now, and I know that my God is making the way ahead of me.
He has given me lots and lots of signs, confirmations and visions about the future. I am incredibly hopeful about the abundance that is coming in my life. Baby J has brought such an incredible JOY into my heart and being a mother is amazing. It’s such a gift and he is the best gift I could have been given, so for that I am thankful. When I’m crying or sad, one smile from him makes all the difference in the world. He’s incredible and I know that he has such a calling on his life, I can’t wait to see him grow up. But for now, I’m really sad and that’s ok. It’s going to be a new day, then a new week, and a new month.
Months from now I will look back and see all that God has done, but right now I will be strong for Jacob and remember all that God has done for me.