I have a confession to make… and I probably shouldn’t be making confessions just 5-weeks post having a baby, but what the heck! Here’s my confession: this blog is called “Graciously Authentic,” yet for the past year I’ve been hitting writers block, because it feels like it should have been called “Authentically Vague.”
The large majority of my life over the past year has been totally up in the air, things have been changing and I have wanted to honor that they weren’t final before I talked about them and dove into it here. I wanted to process some of it first and I do that very well through writing but it seemed pre-mature. So instead, y’all have received just a lot of “life is really, really hard right now” blog posts. I was being as authentic as I could at the time, still praying that the situation would change.
Things are 90% final now and I am ready to share now, so the jig is up.
First things first, my sweet sister asked me why I wanted to blog about my life as of late and that’s an amazing question I feel needs to be answered before we dive in. I have gone through some batshit crazy things over the past two years of my life – experiences and circumstances that when you’re going through it all you can think is “You seriously can’t make this stuff up.” Experiences that have left me on my knees sobbing, running to my counselor for help, thankful for amazing friends who come along side me and pray, and most importantly they have brought me closer with my God who never leaves me or forsakes me. I have changed more as a woman in the past 2 years than I have in the past 20 combined I would easily say. I have matured, realized so much about myself, learned more about God’s character, learned how to deal with crazy life circumstances with GRACE, and so for those reasons I am going to share with you. If my story can help just one person realize that your circumstances shouldn’t dictate your attitude and that in the end God is always trustworthy, then I’m glad I wrote it out. He is always the ROCK we should lean on during tough times and should trust in.
I do want to clarify that sharing my stories and circumstances will always be done in a way that honors anyone I talk about or refer to. I am not out to bash anyone specifically, but rather just tell MY story in hopes that it blesses someone else. Also, writing is my way of processing, so if you’re reading this it’s sort of life you’re reading my journal entries. So welcome to my world
So alllllll of that to say that I’m in the middle of getting a divorce, which therefore makes me a new single mom.
Now let me explain: last fall my husband told me that he wanted a divorce which came as a total shock to me. I won’t get into the nitty gritty of it all, but I will just say that I wasn’t expecting it and felt like someone had punched me right in the gut and my wind got knocked out of me. I felt that way for weeks- I didn’t have an appetitie, wasn’t sleeping well, continously just felt SICK to my stomach. It was from that point on we have been separated.
Fast forward three weeks and I suddenly felt sick again. But this time it was full blown nauseous – like so nauseous that I had to lay down. It was then that it hit me. Holy cow, I have no idea when my last period was…. And I just KNEW. As in, I felt God already confirming to me that I was pregnant.
I knew with 99% accuracy that I pregnant, I just felt it. It was then that all the signs and symptoms made sense. I thought I felt sick from the stress and sadness of the situation, when in fact it was that I was pregnant with my sweet little boy.
So then I took a pregnancy test. Then I promptly called my dearest friend who is a nurse and just asked, “How accurate are pregnancy tests?!?” To which she responded, “Very accurate. But go buy another one just to be sure…. And some pre-natal vitamins.” So three pregnancy tests later, I was now 100% sure that I was indeed pregnant.
And from that point on I knew my life was going to look a lot different than I thought it would be, but even in that moment of total shock and confusion I felt God’s overwhelming presence over me. I felt a settling peace that while I had NO idea what my future looked like, HE knew. And as long as I’m listening to Him and following His lead He would guide me through whatever we encounter.
The past 10 months have definitely been the hardest of my life, full of really high higs and really low lows. The day I went to the OB to get my first ultrasound I also was interviewing lawyers. Because that’s normal, right?? That’s the juxstaposition that the past year has been for me. Going through a divorce while pregnant and then with a newborn is emotional x100. Divorce is painful enough – the betrayal, the questioning, the confusion and all the pain – then add some extra hormones on top and let me tell you, it’s just one giant party!!
Want to know the best part? I had been on birth control for YEARS and there were no baby plans in our future. So there was a huge part of me that in my heart I knew this child was ordained and anointed by God. That has been a big comfort to me: while this might not have been my ideal plan, God isn’t surprised by any part of my story and He’s walking with me.
I can honestly say that these past two years have been the hardest but sweetest times of my life. These are the experiences that have sent me falling on my knees before Jesus, broken and absolutely a mess. He has been my sustainer. He has been my husband. He has been my comforter. He has been my rock. If I hadn’t gone through these things, I know I wouldn’t be the woman I am today with the faith that He has so richly blessed me with. I’m so thankful for all the crazy circumstances, because God is making beautiful things out of me, out of these messy circumstances.
Jacob, Winston and I are a family now. I have no idea what the future holds for us, but I know God’s plan is bigger and better than anything I could dream for myself so I’m trusting in that. I know all of this will work together for GOOD in my life and in Jacob’s life so that is my primary focus. Am I scared? Yes, sometimes. Do I wonder what my life is going to look like? Yes. Are there big major dreams and goals that I have for my life that I’m questioning now? You bet. But I really am trusting in God’s goodness. He knows my heart, He made it. He knows my dreams and desires, He put them there. I am choosing to trust HIM instead of to fear.
Thank you for reading along and if you’ve been walking on this journey with me, THANK YOU. I couldn’t have done any of this alone.
I am finally glad to be truly authentic with you – it feels like I have been holding my breath for a long time and I’m just now starting to release it.
My name is Kristen and I’m a single mom going through a divorce, but that’s not all of me. That’s just a part of who I am. I’m also a follower of Jesus, an entrepreneur, a friend, a writer, a dreamer, a photographer, a friend, a daughter and a sister, a Target lover and a shoe-aholic. I’m going to start chronicling my stories regularly here on the blog. I hope you’ll join me on my journey of being totally authentic and honest. I think it’s about time we all shared in our struggles and triumphs together because We Can Do Hard Things.
Much love and lots of big hugs,
p.s. Just wanted to state that I’m against this divorce and it isn’t my wish, however divorce only takes one person and that makes me very sad.